McDonald’s statement on Trump’s French fry stunt

October 22, 2024

Ouch!

McDonalds corporate office made the following statement on Trump’s French fry stunt:

“As we’ve seen, our brand has been a fixture of conversation this election cycle. While we’ve not sought this, it’s a testament to how much McDonald’s resonates with so many Americans,” the company said in its memo. “McDonald’s does not endorse candidates for elected office and that remains true in this race for the next President. We are not red or blue – we are golden.”

McDonald locations are franchises, privately operated. This particular owner invited the campaign to film trump serving French fries as if he was an employee. Unfortunately McDonalds has a policy of not employing convicted felons. “Donald Trump would never get past the application process. He is a felon. We do not employ felons, especially those who have been convicted on sexual assault charges. We are the Golden Arches not the Golden Showers.”

Trump only lasted 20 minutes. 19 minutes more than his time with Stormy Daniels.


League City Children Center sues City Council Member

September 15, 2024

It’s hard to make this stuff up so early in the morning! From a press release:

(League City, Texas) September 15, 2024. On Friday, the League City Children Center filed suit against League City Major Pro Tem Justin Hicks for defamation of character. According to the LCCC attorney, Anne Takeitt, “Over the last few weeks Justin Hicks has been playing some kind of election campaign game against a newly formed Political Action Committee, Kick Hicks. This game concerns the placing of campaign signs throughout our great city. Our organization, the League City Children Center, has nothing to do with this activity or the placement of the signs yet it has been described by many as being childish. We find this description of this activity to be demeaning to the children of League City and demand an immediate apology from Hicks and his campaign staff”.

Anne Takeitt of Benjamin Dover, Anne Takeitt, and C. Howitt Hertz law firm has demanded an apology from Hicks and for him to cease and desist from perpetuating this childish game of sign wars. According to the lead plaintiff, Shelley Smith, age 3, “Justin Hicks is a poopie head.”

Benjamin Dover, Anne Takeitt, C. Howitt Hertz
Attorneys at Law
Galveston Texas

Hicks was unavailable for comment. Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Breaking: Jaws of life called for Congressman from Richmond Texas

June 2, 2024

Keep Congressman Troy Nehls and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Congressman Troy Nehls. No other individual or family members were involved. According to the report: “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Saturday night to assist the Congressman from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable to free the Congressman but will not stop trying until the job is completed and Congressman Nehls is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Nehls to publicly denounce the 34 guilty verdicts against Donald Trump. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Congressman Nehls gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Congressman Nehls lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. We continue to struggle with the situation. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Nehls stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Texas is well known for their saying “We do things bigger in Texas”, including having some of the biggest ass kissers in the country.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Veterans rush to defend Trump’s Memorial Day post

May 28, 2024

Veterans across the country took a break from their Memorial Day activities to come to the defense of the former President concerning his Truth Social post. Trump was highly criticized for his post starting with “Happy Memorial Day to All” then diving into a rambling mess, calling Americans including Veterans “Human Scum”.

Veterans were quick to come to his defense. “Men and women, who we are honoring today on Memorial Day, made the ultimate sacrifice to support the freedom to use Memorial Day as Trump’s own personal playground.”

“As a Christian, Conservative, Veteran I am proud to take time away from grilling burgers and drinking Coors Light to defend Trump and his family on Memorial Day.”

“Donald Trump is an asshole but he is my asshole and I will always clean my asshole after a social media dump.”

Although Veterans came to the defense of Trump they were not very happy with the post by his son Eric. Eric, considered the dumb one of the bunch, shared another user’s post that featured a photo of the Trump family and the claim that they’d given up “everything to Save America.” The same Veterans who took time away from drinking Coors Light were quick to respond:

“What a dick!”
“Who the fuck is Eric?”
“That boy needs an ass kicking.”
“I will defend Trump taking a dump in Arlington but I will not stand for what this dick head is doing!”

This is satire. Or is it?


Texas Conservatives rally against Ken Paxton

March 24, 2024

“He’s gone too far.”

Republicans across Texas are outraged over the latest attack on personal freedoms. Paxton has filed lawsuit after lawsuit limiting women’s reproductive rights, their rights to travel, and immigrant rights who legally enter the country but yesterday he went too far.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton is now limiting access to website across the State with an all out internet ban. Many Republicans are outraged by the micromanaging by Paxton and limiting their 1st Amendment rights. As one said “What I do in my bedroom or bathroom is none of Paxton’s business!”.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton has sued a number of companies causing them to cut off access to their sites in the State. Porn sites like Pornhub have been accused of not verifying the age of horny kids. Conservatives are pissed including other elected officials. “You can ban books. You can ban women’s reproductive rights. You can ban illegal immigration, but you, Sir, have gone too far! The next time I see Ken Paxton I am going to beat him off with BOTH hands!”.

Conservatives. You just got to love them. Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Greg Abbott calls to change 95 year old Texas Motto

March 17, 2024

According to the Texas State Historical Association: The word Friendship was adopted as the Texas state motto by the Forty-first Texas Legislature in February 1930. The word was probably chosen because the name Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of a Caddo Indian word sometimes translated to mean “friends” or “allies.”

Today Governor Abbott will ask the Texas Legislature to change the motto. “After nearly 100 years it is time that we, as conservatives, change the motto of our great State to something that reflects the current state of the State and one that adequately represents who we are.”

So in 2025 my first bill I will sign will be to change our motto from Friendship to Fuck You. If you are gay, fuck you. If you are a gun violence survivor, fuck you. If you are a Jew, Muslim, or any non-christian, fuck you. If you are from out of state, in law enforcement, in the military, or a Mexican, fuck you.

And if you are a teacher, in the words of Mattress Mac, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

That is who we are. That is what we have become. So, fuck you, fuck off, and welcome to Satire Sunday.


In the wake of the Alabama ruling Abbott to classify sperm as children

February 25, 2024

No Place but Texas.

February 25, 2024 | Austin, Texas | Press Release

After the recent ruling by the Alabama Supreme Court affirming defining frozen embryos as children, Governor Greg Abbott today announced taking executive action and declaring sperm also as children and therefore protected under the anti abortion laws of Texas.

“Texas is by far the most conservative State in the nation and we will uphold our conservative values to protect life at every stage including classifying sperm as children. I have conferred with the members of the Texas Supreme Court and was assured this was not only legal but ethical and Godly.”

According to the executive order this will take effect immediately, under the Texas abortion laws, unless the Legislature takes decisive action to overturn it.

“I intend to defend this action and protect not only frozen embryos but also the viable, life filled, jizz that has spilled over in past rulings. No more will we allow these young children to be left in a sock, tissue, or in the shower. I will make this promise to every republican in Texas. If anyone challenges this executive order I will beat them off with both hands!”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Breaking: Jaws of life called for United States Senator from Texas

January 20, 2024

Keep Senator Ted Cruz and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Luckily no other individual or family members were involved. According to the report “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Friday night to assist the junior Senator from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable, at this time, to free Senator Cruz but we will not stop trying until the job is completed and Senator Cruz is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Cruz to publicly endorse Donald Trump for President. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Senator Cruz gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Senator Cruz’s lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. I’m was taken back by Cruz since Trump at one time called his ugly wife, ugly, and claimed his father was responsible for killing JFK. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Cruz stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Film at 11.


On her first day back Judge Lina Hidalgo should resign

October 1, 2023

I hate to write this.

I’ve been a Democrat ever since 1992. I’ve been involved with the party for over 30 years so it deeply pains me to call for the resignation of Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo.

Hidalgo entered politics in 2018 with an upset victory over Judge Ed Emmett by the sim margin of only 1000 votes. I was skeptical of her lack of political or elected experience especially when running against Emmett, who was very experienced, knowledgeable, and performed honorably. It was his race to lose, and he did. He took the 29-year-old, inexperienced candidate too lightly and lost.

Hidalgo, within months of her inauguration was faced with significant challenges including the freeze of 2021, the chemical tank fires near Deer Park, and especially the COVID pandemic. In every instance she handled the challenges with leadership and poise. During the pandemic Hidalgo provided what was sorely missing from elected officials at the state and federal level, she acted like an adult. She took action to protect Houstonians by shutting down the rodeo to prevent the spread of the virus. She took tremendous criticism from the public for it especially those who make a living at the rodeo. It was a difficult, but right decision. When our county desperately needed leadership, she stood up and led.

In those few months she proved to those who doubted her, including me, that she was up to the job of running the 3rd largest county in the entire United States. In 2022 she won re-election even though being challenged with legal issues concerning COVID funding. District Attorney Kim Ogg’s, political sniping didn’t help. Ogg on several occasions has made headlines on issues that should have been handled behind the scenes and like adults. She contributed to the sometimes-bumpy road by her baseless investigation concerning voting fraud in the 2022 election. Hidalgo has had other minor issues concerning her relationships with her peers which she tends to express publicly in a not so helpful manner.

Hidalgo has since been out of the office to address a mental health issue. As anyone who has experienced depression, including me, it can slowly creep up on you and can have horrible consequences if left untreated. Hidalgo should be commended for taking that step to address the issue and seek the help she needed. She is now expected to return to the office on October 2.

On October 2 her first agenda item should be to stand up and step down as County Judge. I ask that she consider this for the sake of all her constituents in Harris County. Over the last few months we have suffered enough especially after the 2022 elections. Hidalgo beat her opponent, Alexandra Mealer by over 18,000 votes even after being out spent 5 to 1. Mealer’s donors spent nearly $10 Million dollars trying to oust her and failed. Mealer eventually conceded but on the last day to file a challenge to the election, the election denier came through with a frivolous lawsuit whining about losing the election. She has since dropped her suit.

This constant whining by Mealer, her supporters, and every election denier that yells “RIGGED!” needs to stop and the only way that can happen is for Lina Hidalgo to resign. The citizens of Harris County can then crown Mealer as the new Judge. We can put a pretty tiara on her head, present her a beautiful golden scepter, and give her a much-deserved participation trophy. We can have a parade for her with honorees like Ted Cruz, Mattress Mac, and the entire Republican Party. And the whining would stop.

For the love of all that is holy, Judge Hidalgo, please do us a huge favor and resign so we don’t have to hear Mealer and her whiny little bitches whine anymore.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Trump to headline a white supremacist fundraiser in Dallas

September 29, 2023

No Place But Texas. Literally.

Twice impeached, four time indicted, former president Donald Trump will travel to Dallas to headline a fundraiser for a group of white supremacists. 16 white supremacist sympathizers are organizing a fundraiser including Congressman Troy Nehls of Richmond who, as County Sheriff, was known for targeting Mexican Americans on the highways and former Congressman Louie Gohmert who coined the phrase “Terror babies” claiming terrorist were coming to the United States to raise children who would later become terrorists.

Other sponsors include white supremacist sympathizers Congressman Brian Babin, Congressman Randy Weber, Congressman Ronny Jackson, Attorney General Ken Paxton and Lt Governor Dan Patrick.

According to the organizer: “We are very excited that our white supremacist in chief, Donald Trump, has agreed to attend to raise much needed funds for us white racist folk. No one is more supportive of the white racists of the Republican Party than Donald Trump!”

Doors open at 6:00 PM. Oath Keepers and Proud Boys receive free admission. No Nazis please. We have our limits.