Texas Republican pass modified ten commandments bill

May 28, 2023

Praise the lord?

Texas Republicans attempted to pass a bill requiring all public schools to post the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Unfortunately the bill stalled because various factions of Christians couldn’t decide which version of the ten commandments should be posted. The leader of the Catholic Caucus had this to say:

“Since Catholics are the largest group within the Christians faith we should be the deciding organization to determine which version of the commandments should be posted.”

The bill stalled until late last night when Democrats broke ranks and offered a compromise. According to State Representative S.A. Tan, “We have offered a compromise that not only will pass constitutional challenges, it will adequately reflect the true values of the Republican Party. With this compromise children in schools will know how to avoid being a dick.” The ten commandments that will be posted are:

  • Thou shall not steal
  • Thou shall not lie every fuckin day
  • Thou shall not pork a porn star
  • Thou shall not have affairs
  • Thou shall not have sex with interns
  • Thou shall not send dick pics to interns
  • Thou shall not be impeached
  • Thou shall not ban assault weapons
  • Thou shall not be like Ted Cruz
  • Thou shall not be a hypocrite

Praise the lord and welcome to Satire Sunday.

Open carry gun owners to provide extra security for Greg Abbott at Houston rally

May 1, 2023

Living in Texas makes it real easy to write shit like this.

After another mass shooting in Texas gun owners across the state will come to provide extra security for Governor Greg Abbott at his upcoming school voucher rally in Houston. According to an open carry advocate who wishes not to be identified:

“After yet another mass shooting killing a few illegal aliens we know Abbott is under pressure to enact gun restrictions to prevent mass shootings like the one in Cleveland, El Paso, Uvalde, Killeen, Dallas, Santa Fe, Waco, Sutherland Springs, and others. We will be there to provide extra security to show our support for Greg Abbott and his support for our guns, bullets, silencers, and body armor no matter who will lose their lives.”

Abbott is scheduled to visit a Christian school to rally for vouchers on Tuesday. According to Abbott’s staff “The schools in Texas have always been an easy target for 18 year olds who can easily buy military assault rifles. Even today after spending billions in fortifying the inside of our schools, the outside is still wide open. Luckily this school will not only have Jesus on their side they will have extra security provided by law abiding gun owners exercising their God given rights to carry AR15s like the one used to kill 5 illegal aliens in Cleveland.”

Kyle Rittenhouse has been asked to lead the security detail. He will carpool with State Representative Dennis Paul and State Representative Little Baby Briscoe Cain. Cain’s mother will drive both of them and afterward will stop by Dairy Queen for a Dilly Bar and French fries.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, a day late.

Bill requiring posting theTen Commandments in all CCISD schools advances

April 23, 2023

You might think this is Satire Sunday. It is but this is actually real. Sort of.

Let us prey. State Senator Phil King has advanced a bill to force all CCISD schools to post the Ten Commandments. According to King “Posting the ten commandments will cut down on mass shootings in schools, as well as bullying, stealing from fellow students, and screwing their teachers.”

A conflict concerning which version of the Ten Commandments should be posted caused quite a ruckus between the Catholics and Babtists including fighting and a few “goddamnits” mixed in. “Goddamnit the only version of the Commandments is the true version by the Catholic Church. Catholics are the largest Christian group in America and we, and only we should determine which version should be displayed.”

Bay Area’s Senator Money Mayes Middleton has offered a compromise bill with the following commandments:











Welcome to Satire Sunday, sort of. From the Texas Tribune:

Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.

Senate Bill 1515 by Sen. Phil King, R-Weatherford, now heads to the House for consideration.

Texas bill to fortify schools with walls and barbed wire.

April 16, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

HB1776 filed by State Representative Dennis Paul would fortify every school in Texas to prevent another mass shooting. According to Paul “I support the second amendment and will do whatever it takes to protect the right to own assault weapons, armor piercing bullets, and silencers.”

HB1776 will allocate funds and raise taxes to fortify all schools with a brick wall topped with barbed wire. In recent shootings it is clear a door can easily be shot out to gain entry into the school. School playgrounds are wide open, some with a simple metal fence that a shooter can shoot through. Band practice venues, tennis courts, baseball fields are all wide open to someone with an assault weapon. A wall around every school would effectively stop a law abiding citizen with an assault weapon.

In 2022, Texas had 5,156,972 students enrolled in a total of 8,161 schools in 1,022 school districts. A wall for each school would cost about $1 Million with a total of over $8 Billion. The State would use half of their rainy day fund and the balance would be passed on to the parents of children attending school. “It’s a small price to pay to protect our rights to own assault weapons.” said Paul. Christian schools do not need the protection of a wall since they have the power of the Lord to protect them.

Next session the State will allocate funding to fortify school busses, parade routes, concert venues, shopping malls, and the work place. Churches will not need protection because they too are protected by the Lord. “We must do whatever it takes, whatever it costs, to protect the most loved possessions of our families, our guns.” said Paul. “oh…and our kids too.” he added.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Texas bill would allow high school seniors carry guns

March 12, 2023
Photo: Istvan Csak/Shutterstock

You have to get up pretty damn early in the morning to make shit up like this.

Texas is well known for being the epicenter for stupidity when it comes to laws governing the state. After law enforcement testified against open carry, Texas Republicans passed open carry. After the Santa Fe High School shooting killing 10 they passed Permitless Carry allowing anyone to openly carry a gun without fear of being questioned or challenged. Law Enforcement across the state was against that bill also. So now after the Uvalde shooting that killed 19 children and 2 teachers, Texas Republicans need to pass some kind of gun nut bill. They have one.

House Bill 666 (seriously) filed by State Representative Ima D. Opé would allow 18 year old seniors to carry guns in school. According to Opé” “Allowing law abiding citizens to carry in high schools would provide immediate protection against another law abiding 18 year old who legally bought an assault weapon, armor piercing bullets, and body armor from attacking our defenseless students.”

State Representative Dennis Paul (R-Houston) had this to say “Well considering we did absolutely nothing after 19 10 year olds had their heads blow off while attending grade school, I am glad we are at least considering doing something to sell more guns. I will offer my thoughts and prayers for the passage of this bill.”

Welcome to Texas folks. And welcome to Satire Sunday. (or is it?)

State Representative Dennis Paul at a polling location

Texas Republican bill will limit tax breaks for the divorced. (Praise the lord?)

March 3, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

Republican State Representative Tony Tinderholt, pictured here as he looks at a new intern, is not happy about House Bill  HB No. 2889, introduced by Republican representative Bryan Slaton. HB2889 will give huge tax breaks to those who are married and with lots of kids.

Unfortunately the bill excludes same sex marriages as well as those who are divorced. This has pissed off Tinderholt because he has been married FIVE times, twice to the same woman. He has clearly violated the “Sanctity of Marriage and One Man One Woman”. He has 3 kids from 2 of his wives. According to Reform Austin Tinderholt has voted against protecting women’s health and safety of children. He had a restraining order placed on him after his first marriage which included:

  • “Threatening Petitioner in person, by telephone, or in writing to take unlawful action against any person.”
  • “Causing bodily injury to Petitioner or to a child of either party.”
  • “Destroying, removing, concealing, encumbering, transferring, or otherwise harming or reducing the value of the property of one or both of the parties.”

Slaton’s bill will deny Tinderholt the right to benefit from the tax cuts for straight, white, christian, praise the lord, couples. Tinderholt responded:

“I intend to fight this bill and will beat off my opponents with both hands!.” (Actually he didn’t say this but it is funny!) It is clear the from bills filed the republican purity police is out in force.

Law Enforcement debunks Greg Abbott’s claim about “defunding” police

February 13, 2023


Monday February 13, 2023

Harris County, Texas. The Harris County Coalition of Law Enforcement, consisting of members of law enforcement across Harris County and the City of Houston, issued the following response to Governor Greg Abbott’s tweet concerning funding for law enforcement in Harris County.

“Over the last few years law enforcement has been unfairly attacked due to a number of nation wide events of police misconduct. We all agree that our police force must be adequately trained and adequately paid while also holding them accountable for misconduct. This is not up for debate. Unfortunately there are those who have created this false idea of “defund the police” and those who are exploiting it.

Unfortunately Governor Greg Abbott is one of those who are exploiting this situation. We want to make sure Governor Abbott is aware that no one supports defunding our law enforcement. No one at the State, County, or City level including Harris County, has called for the defunding our police force or cutting our budgets. In fact if the Governor would take a few minutes to review the budget he would find that our budget has increased which is far from the hyperbole of defunding.

Law enforcement over the year have had a great relationship with the Governor. Under his leadership he put more guns on the street, allowing anyone to open carry assault weapons with body armor piercing bullets in the streets that we patrol. These individuals are there to provide backup to our members when needed. There is nothing more comforting to law enforcement than to see well armed, well trained, and throughly vetted gun owners ready to provide needed firepower. Governor Abbott and his party’s support of our men and women during the Jan 6 Capitol riot was greatly appreciated. We will never forget it.

We encourage the Governor to put down his phone, get off of twitter and off his ass, and learn how to read a budget.”

Staff Sergeant Getz A. Lief
Harris County Coalition of Law Enforcement

League City Texas to ban books on divorce, adultery, and guns.

December 4, 2022

League City Texas is a small community south of Houston. They pride themselves as being a conservative, christian, mostly white, city of love and diversity.

So next week League City will vote on a resolution, sponsored by Mayor Nick Long, that will ban books at the city library that contains subjects indoctrinating children in anti-christian lifestyles. According to a League City Councilman:

“The sanctity of marriage is sacred to League Citians. We do not condone adultery or normalizing single parenthood, porking porn stars or getting married over and over again. This is not a League City family value and all books referencing divorce or adultery in any form should be banned from our public libraries.”

“Books on gun topics should also be banned because they also go against our christian, family values especially after the Uvalde massacre that killed 19 children and 2 teachers. These books indoctrinate our children into a life style of shooting people to solve problems. As with adultery this is not a wholesome, christian, family value worthy of League City.”

The resolution will be voted on next week following a singles only prayer circle at the local shooting range.

#HerschelWalker threatens suit for “Defecation of Character”

October 7, 2022

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to make sh*t up like this!

According to CNBC Herschel Walker after being caught in lie after lie concerning his girlfriend’s abortion he paid for has threatened a lawsuit against The Daily Beast who broke the story.

Walker called the report “a flat-out lie” and vowed to file a defamation lawsuit against the news outlet by Tuesday morning. Spokespeople for Walker’s campaign have not responded to repeated questions about whether that lawsuit has been filed.

Herschel has responded to the report with a threat to file a lawsuit by Tuesday morning. Which Tuesday morning is still up for debate. According to Herschel:

Let me speak as clearly and coherently as probable. I will file a lawsuit ‘gainst any media outlet for defecation of my character. I will not put up with that shit from anyone. This story started in the toilet and will end with a swift wipe by the hand of the law. Even if my girlfriend who I have never met or known, had an abortion, and I paid for it, and there are receipts showing I paid for it, and there is a get well card I signed, and she later became the mother of one of my many children, it still doesn’t make it true. This crap just will not be toleratable.

Uh…..that is some crazy shit. Even crazier is that he has a chance to be in the United State Senate which would take the stink off of Ted Cruz for being the dumbest Senator in the Senate.

Greg Abbott: I’ll ban divorce if reelected

September 15, 2022

This is who Greg Abbott is. Don’t believe me. Believe him.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has called for a ban on divorces in Texas if reelected. This has caused a huge backlash from members of his own party including State Representative Tony Tinderholt who is on his 5th marriage, twice to his first wife. According to Tinderholt “What the *uck Governor? Do you need someone else to pick on besides the Mexicans, Gays, Jews, and other non-christians? Who I love or don’t love at any given point in time is none of your business.”

In attempting to explain his ban Abbott claims “Divorce is against everything the Republican Party stands for especially the Sanctity of Marriage. It is not the Sanctity of Marriages or One Man One Woman at One Time. It is one man. One woman. Forever. And ever. Amen.”

According to his plan those who want to get divorced could do so but would forever give up their rights to marry again. Also those who divorce will lose all benefits afforded to those who are married including health care benefits. “Texans who divorce will know up front the consequences for their inability to preserve their marriage, under god, like my wife and I have done.”

“I understand I will have opposition coming from both sides of the aisle but I pledge to all Texans that if reelected I will beat off the opposition with both hands in order to protect the sanctity of marriage.”

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