Bay Area Houston

Praise the lord!

In the article, posted by Houston Public Media, “Three Houston-area moms sue over Ten Commandments in schools. They say it violates Texas’ own laws” parents claim this violates their rights concerning religion as passed by the Texas Legislature in 1999 and 2021. According to the article:

“There’s that commandment saying you shouldn’t have imagery or statues or whatever and no other gods than me,” Nath, whose family adheres to Jainism, Hinduism, Judaism and Quakerism, told Houston Public Media. “That’s telling my son that there’s something wrong with him for celebrating his grandpa’s Hinduism. And it’s not just my son, but for all the other kids who come from such a diversity of religions in my kids’ classes.”

The plaintiffs aren’t just arguing that the bill is unconstitutional—though it certainly is. They are pointing out that it violates Texas state law itself, written by the very same lawmakers pushing the Ten Commandments bill.

Catholics, meanwhile, are taking a noticeably different angle. As Cardinal Salvatore Carrera Bastiste put it in Catholic Monthly:

“We take offense to the posting of the Ten Commandments not over parental religious rights, but because the version being posted isn’t based on the true baseline of Christianity: Catholicism. Catholics created Christianity. Catholics lead Christianity. The Pope—the leader of Christians worldwide—is Catholic. If Texas wants to post the Ten Commandments, it must be the Catholic version.”

Father Dominic Pasesenco offered a slightly more direct critique of Texas legislators: “If you’re going to force the goddamn Ten Commandments down children’s throats, at the very least it should be the goddamn Catholic version.”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Praise the Lord.

Catholics across the State have risen up against the State Board of Education’s inserting bible verses into the curriculum for public schools. According to Catholic Monthly, Father Sergio Benítez Gonzales said “If the State wants to insert biblical verse into public schools then it should be Catholic verses and nothing else. Catholics created Christianity. We dominate Christianity. and therefore we rule over all alternative religions such as Baptist, Methodists, and especially Protestant.”

According to the Texas Almanac Catholics make up the vast majority of Christians in the State of Texas with about 21% of the total while Southern Babtist make up about 17%. The leader of the Christian faith is the Pope and most Christians follow the Pope and the rulings of the Catholic Church. Church members of the Catholic faith have condemned posting the Protestant version of the 10 Commandments in schools and the forced teachings of non Catholic bible verses in public schools.

“If Texas wants to insert religion into schools then it must be the true and only Christian religion, that being Catholicism. All the other bastard religions can sit down and be quiet if they do not agree with the teachings of the Catholic Church g**damnit.”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Praise the Lord.

Bay Area’s State Senator, Mayes Middleton, has purchased posters of the 10 Commandments to be posted in all classrooms in CCISD in direct violation of a Judge’s ruling. Currently the law is being challenged as unconstitutional in violation of the First Amendment prohibiting laws respecting an establishment of religion. Middleton sponsored the 10 Commandments bill in Texas.

The Catholic Church, which supported the passage of the law, has now soured. According to the Catholic Times Archbishop of the Houston Area, Jose Vasquez, stated the following:

“We are very disturbed by the posting of the 10 Commandments in class rooms across the state. When we voiced our initial support of the bill we were guaranteed the version of the Commandments would be the Catholic version not the version adopted by the Baptist church. As everyone knows the Catholic Church created Christianity and leads the world in this religion. Any other versions of Christianity are simply spinoff religions and does not truly represent Christianity.”

Catholics are overwhelmingly the majority of the 2.6 Billion Christians in the world and demand their rightful place public schools.

“If Senator Middleton wants to post the 10 Commandments then post the Catholic Version since we are the dominant religion of Texas. If any child or parent does not approve they can simply sit down quietly, look the other way, and not follow them, like they currently do anyway. Just remember all other versions of Christianity are bastard religions. Now take the g*ddamn things down. We have spoken.”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Praise the Lord!

According to Catholic Family Digest the Catholic Church has condemned the law requiring posting of the 10 Commandments in public schools in Texas. According to the Archbishop of Texas, the Reverend Jose Jimenez, “The 10 commandments are the cornerstone of the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church created Christianity. We created the 10 Commandments. If Texas wants to post the 10 Commandments then it must be the Catholic version.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently signed into law a requiring all public school to post the 10 commandments if someone donates the sign and/or posters. Like in Louisiana, the law has been struck down as unconstitutional by a federal judge and is expected to be decided by the United States Supreme Court. Abbott was clear about his support of displaying the 10 Commandments in schools. “Just think if that shooter in Uvalde had the opportunity to read a poster stating Thou Shall Not Kill, maybe we would have had a different outcome.”

The Reverend’s reaction was also very clear. “If you want the 10 Commandments posted it must be the Catholic version. All other spin offs of christianity are just bastard religions. The Catholic Church is the only true Christian religion that follows the word of Jesus Christ our Savior. If Abbott thinks otherwise he can roll up and kiss by Catholic ass.”

God Bless Texas and welcome to Satire Sunday.

No one is spared.

According to an article from The DC InCider Elon Musk has called for an end to a number of federal programs including USAid as well as Vet services at the United States Capitol. This is the first attack on Vets in the United States with more expected at the Veterans Administration. From the article Musk states:

“It is just simple math. There is no need for Vet services at the Capitol anymore. Taxpayers should not be paying for these services if no one is asking for them. It’s just common sense.”

Congressmen who have served in the military such as Troy Nehls and Dan Crenshaw of Texas as well as other members of Congress issued a quick response:

“Over the last couple of weeks we have worked hard to implement President Trump’s new vision of America by allowing Elon Musk full access to Treasury information, gutting federal programs, and giving away our powers under the Constitution for oversight and funding. We have volunteered to be neutered by the in-house Vet and their services are no longer needed.” Congressman Dan Crenshaw continued “I lost an eye defending my country. I have now lost my balls defending Donald Trump.”

Veterinarians in the Capitol were quick to respond “We have successfully cut the balls off of all male Congressman. The woman now have more balls than the men. Our job is done.”

Welcome to Fucking Friday and Satire Someday.

Ouch!

McDonalds corporate office made the following statement on Trump’s French fry stunt:

“As we’ve seen, our brand has been a fixture of conversation this election cycle. While we’ve not sought this, it’s a testament to how much McDonald’s resonates with so many Americans,” the company said in its memo. “McDonald’s does not endorse candidates for elected office and that remains true in this race for the next President. We are not red or blue – we are golden.”

McDonald locations are franchises, privately operated. This particular owner invited the campaign to film trump serving French fries as if he was an employee. Unfortunately McDonalds has a policy of not employing convicted felons. “Donald Trump would never get past the application process. He is a felon. We do not employ felons, especially those who have been convicted on sexual assault charges. We are the Golden Arches not the Golden Showers.”

Trump only lasted 20 minutes. 19 minutes more than his time with Stormy Daniels.

Keep Congressman Troy Nehls and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Congressman Troy Nehls. No other individual or family members were involved. According to the report: “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Saturday night to assist the Congressman from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable to free the Congressman but will not stop trying until the job is completed and Congressman Nehls is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Nehls to publicly denounce the 34 guilty verdicts against Donald Trump. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Congressman Nehls gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Congressman Nehls lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. We continue to struggle with the situation. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Nehls stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Texas is well known for their saying “We do things bigger in Texas”, including having some of the biggest ass kissers in the country.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Veterans across the country took a break from their Memorial Day activities to come to the defense of the former President concerning his Truth Social post. Trump was highly criticized for his post starting with “Happy Memorial Day to All” then diving into a rambling mess, calling Americans including Veterans “Human Scum”.

Veterans were quick to come to his defense. “Men and women, who we are honoring today on Memorial Day, made the ultimate sacrifice to support the freedom to use Memorial Day as Trump’s own personal playground.”

“As a Christian, Conservative, Veteran I am proud to take time away from grilling burgers and drinking Coors Light to defend Trump and his family on Memorial Day.”

“Donald Trump is an asshole but he is my asshole and I will always clean my asshole after a social media dump.”

Although Veterans came to the defense of Trump they were not very happy with the post by his son Eric. Eric, considered the dumb one of the bunch, shared another user’s post that featured a photo of the Trump family and the claim that they’d given up “everything to Save America.” The same Veterans who took time away from drinking Coors Light were quick to respond:

“What a dick!”
“Who the fuck is Eric?”
“That boy needs an ass kicking.”
“I will defend Trump taking a dump in Arlington but I will not stand for what this dick head is doing!”

This is satire. Or is it?

“He’s gone too far.”

Republicans across Texas are outraged over the latest attack on personal freedoms. Paxton has filed lawsuit after lawsuit limiting women’s reproductive rights, their rights to travel, and immigrant rights who legally enter the country but yesterday he went too far.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton is now limiting access to website across the State with an all out internet ban. Many Republicans are outraged by the micromanaging by Paxton and limiting their 1st Amendment rights. As one said “What I do in my bedroom or bathroom is none of Paxton’s business!”.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton has sued a number of companies causing them to cut off access to their sites in the State. Porn sites like Pornhub have been accused of not verifying the age of horny kids. Conservatives are pissed including other elected officials. “You can ban books. You can ban women’s reproductive rights. You can ban illegal immigration, but you, Sir, have gone too far! The next time I see Ken Paxton I am going to beat him off with BOTH hands!”.

Conservatives. You just got to love them. Welcome to Satire Sunday.

According to the Texas State Historical Association: The word Friendship was adopted as the Texas state motto by the Forty-first Texas Legislature in February 1930. The word was probably chosen because the name Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of a Caddo Indian word sometimes translated to mean “friends” or “allies.”

Today Governor Abbott will ask the Texas Legislature to change the motto. “After nearly 100 years it is time that we, as conservatives, change the motto of our great State to something that reflects the current state of the State and one that adequately represents who we are.”

So in 2025 my first bill I will sign will be to change our motto from Friendship to Fuck You. If you are gay, fuck you. If you are a gun violence survivor, fuck you. If you are a Jew, Muslim, or any non-christian, fuck you. If you are from out of state, in law enforcement, in the military, or a Mexican, fuck you.

And if you are a teacher, in the words of Mattress Mac, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

That is who we are. That is what we have become. So, fuck you, fuck off, and welcome to Satire Sunday.