Texas Conservatives rally against Ken Paxton

March 24, 2024

“He’s gone too far.”

Republicans across Texas are outraged over the latest attack on personal freedoms. Paxton has filed lawsuit after lawsuit limiting women’s reproductive rights, their rights to travel, and immigrant rights who legally enter the country but yesterday he went too far.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton is now limiting access to website across the State with an all out internet ban. Many Republicans are outraged by the micromanaging by Paxton and limiting their 1st Amendment rights. As one said “What I do in my bedroom or bathroom is none of Paxton’s business!”.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton has sued a number of companies causing them to cut off access to their sites in the State. Porn sites like Pornhub have been accused of not verifying the age of horny kids. Conservatives are pissed including other elected officials. “You can ban books. You can ban women’s reproductive rights. You can ban illegal immigration, but you, Sir, have gone too far! The next time I see Ken Paxton I am going to beat him off with BOTH hands!”.

Conservatives. You just got to love them. Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Greg Abbott calls to change 95 year old Texas Motto

March 17, 2024

According to the Texas State Historical Association: The word Friendship was adopted as the Texas state motto by the Forty-first Texas Legislature in February 1930. The word was probably chosen because the name Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of a Caddo Indian word sometimes translated to mean “friends” or “allies.”

Today Governor Abbott will ask the Texas Legislature to change the motto. “After nearly 100 years it is time that we, as conservatives, change the motto of our great State to something that reflects the current state of the State and one that adequately represents who we are.”

So in 2025 my first bill I will sign will be to change our motto from Friendship to Fuck You. If you are gay, fuck you. If you are a gun violence survivor, fuck you. If you are a Jew, Muslim, or any non-christian, fuck you. If you are from out of state, in law enforcement, in the military, or a Mexican, fuck you.

And if you are a teacher, in the words of Mattress Mac, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

That is who we are. That is what we have become. So, fuck you, fuck off, and welcome to Satire Sunday.


In the wake of the Alabama ruling Abbott to classify sperm as children

February 25, 2024

No Place but Texas.

February 25, 2024 | Austin, Texas | Press Release

After the recent ruling by the Alabama Supreme Court affirming defining frozen embryos as children, Governor Greg Abbott today announced taking executive action and declaring sperm also as children and therefore protected under the anti abortion laws of Texas.

“Texas is by far the most conservative State in the nation and we will uphold our conservative values to protect life at every stage including classifying sperm as children. I have conferred with the members of the Texas Supreme Court and was assured this was not only legal but ethical and Godly.”

According to the executive order this will take effect immediately, under the Texas abortion laws, unless the Legislature takes decisive action to overturn it.

“I intend to defend this action and protect not only frozen embryos but also the viable, life filled, jizz that has spilled over in past rulings. No more will we allow these young children to be left in a sock, tissue, or in the shower. I will make this promise to every republican in Texas. If anyone challenges this executive order I will beat them off with both hands!”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Breaking: Jaws of life called for United States Senator from Texas

January 20, 2024

Keep Senator Ted Cruz and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Luckily no other individual or family members were involved. According to the report “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Friday night to assist the junior Senator from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable, at this time, to free Senator Cruz but we will not stop trying until the job is completed and Senator Cruz is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Cruz to publicly endorse Donald Trump for President. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Senator Cruz gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Senator Cruz’s lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. I’m was taken back by Cruz since Trump at one time called his ugly wife, ugly, and claimed his father was responsible for killing JFK. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Cruz stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Film at 11.


On her first day back Judge Lina Hidalgo should resign

October 1, 2023

I hate to write this.

I’ve been a Democrat ever since 1992. I’ve been involved with the party for over 30 years so it deeply pains me to call for the resignation of Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo.

Hidalgo entered politics in 2018 with an upset victory over Judge Ed Emmett by the sim margin of only 1000 votes. I was skeptical of her lack of political or elected experience especially when running against Emmett, who was very experienced, knowledgeable, and performed honorably. It was his race to lose, and he did. He took the 29-year-old, inexperienced candidate too lightly and lost.

Hidalgo, within months of her inauguration was faced with significant challenges including the freeze of 2021, the chemical tank fires near Deer Park, and especially the COVID pandemic. In every instance she handled the challenges with leadership and poise. During the pandemic Hidalgo provided what was sorely missing from elected officials at the state and federal level, she acted like an adult. She took action to protect Houstonians by shutting down the rodeo to prevent the spread of the virus. She took tremendous criticism from the public for it especially those who make a living at the rodeo. It was a difficult, but right decision. When our county desperately needed leadership, she stood up and led.

In those few months she proved to those who doubted her, including me, that she was up to the job of running the 3rd largest county in the entire United States. In 2022 she won re-election even though being challenged with legal issues concerning COVID funding. District Attorney Kim Ogg’s, political sniping didn’t help. Ogg on several occasions has made headlines on issues that should have been handled behind the scenes and like adults. She contributed to the sometimes-bumpy road by her baseless investigation concerning voting fraud in the 2022 election. Hidalgo has had other minor issues concerning her relationships with her peers which she tends to express publicly in a not so helpful manner.

Hidalgo has since been out of the office to address a mental health issue. As anyone who has experienced depression, including me, it can slowly creep up on you and can have horrible consequences if left untreated. Hidalgo should be commended for taking that step to address the issue and seek the help she needed. She is now expected to return to the office on October 2.

On October 2 her first agenda item should be to stand up and step down as County Judge. I ask that she consider this for the sake of all her constituents in Harris County. Over the last few months we have suffered enough especially after the 2022 elections. Hidalgo beat her opponent, Alexandra Mealer by over 18,000 votes even after being out spent 5 to 1. Mealer’s donors spent nearly $10 Million dollars trying to oust her and failed. Mealer eventually conceded but on the last day to file a challenge to the election, the election denier came through with a frivolous lawsuit whining about losing the election. She has since dropped her suit.

This constant whining by Mealer, her supporters, and every election denier that yells “RIGGED!” needs to stop and the only way that can happen is for Lina Hidalgo to resign. The citizens of Harris County can then crown Mealer as the new Judge. We can put a pretty tiara on her head, present her a beautiful golden scepter, and give her a much-deserved participation trophy. We can have a parade for her with honorees like Ted Cruz, Mattress Mac, and the entire Republican Party. And the whining would stop.

For the love of all that is holy, Judge Hidalgo, please do us a huge favor and resign so we don’t have to hear Mealer and her whiny little bitches whine anymore.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Trump to headline a white supremacist fundraiser in Dallas

September 29, 2023

No Place But Texas. Literally.

Twice impeached, four time indicted, former president Donald Trump will travel to Dallas to headline a fundraiser for a group of white supremacists. 16 white supremacist sympathizers are organizing a fundraiser including Congressman Troy Nehls of Richmond who, as County Sheriff, was known for targeting Mexican Americans on the highways and former Congressman Louie Gohmert who coined the phrase “Terror babies” claiming terrorist were coming to the United States to raise children who would later become terrorists.

Other sponsors include white supremacist sympathizers Congressman Brian Babin, Congressman Randy Weber, Congressman Ronny Jackson, Attorney General Ken Paxton and Lt Governor Dan Patrick.

According to the organizer: “We are very excited that our white supremacist in chief, Donald Trump, has agreed to attend to raise much needed funds for us white racist folk. No one is more supportive of the white racists of the Republican Party than Donald Trump!”

Doors open at 6:00 PM. Oath Keepers and Proud Boys receive free admission. No Nazis please. We have our limits.


Welcome Back Party to be held for Paxton at OAG office

September 17, 2023

This should be fun!

The staff at the Texas Attorney’s Office are planning a welcome back party for Attorney General Ken Paxton after he was acquitted of 16 impeachment charges. According to his personal scheduler, who asked not to be identified, “I am so thrilled he is coming back. We will have a big cake for every staff member to enjoy.”

“I urge everyone in the office to sign the card with your name and phone number to show General Paxton that you actually showed up. Otherwise he might retaliate and fire your ass.”


LEAKED! Talking points released for Ken Paxton’s acquittal

September 15, 2023

Seriously, what kind of idiot would do this?

After watching the majority of the Paxton impeachment I believe the defense is going to focus on the lack of evidence concerning the bribery charge. If the Senators acquit Paxton they will walk out and tell the media that they couldn’t prove their case concerning bribery and they will focus on that and that only. But just in case here are some other talking points for the Senate GOP (Group Of Pussies):


Clear Lake Republicans compile a wholesome family business directory

July 16, 2023

No Shirt. No Shoes. No Gays. No Service.

With the recent Supreme Court decision allowing businesses to discriminate based upon “religious” beliefs, Clear Lake State Representative Dennis Paul has called for creating a business directory for those who embrace the wholesome family values of the Republican Party.

A directory will be distributed to every household in the Bay Area, similar to the yellow pages. It will list business owners who will not provide services to the Gay community, their family members, or friends. These business owners will be identified in the directory and provided a colorful sticker to proudly display on their establishment’s window.

“I believe fine Christian business owners across the Bay Area will flock to be listed in this directory which I have called “The Right Businesses Pages” and would be proud to have this directory provided to over 60,000 households across the area.” said Paul. According to Paul’s office the responses sent to his office has been swift and very positive with many willing to give up significant amount of business to embrace their love for Jesus Christ our Savior and the Supreme Court ruling.

“I’m a wholesome Christian business owner. I may lose 30% of my business when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Auto repair shop

“As a Christian my business may crater when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Nail Salon Owner

As a proud Christian business owner I applaud Dennis Paul and will be proud to limit my business dealings to those with wholesome Christians values catering only to heterosexuals, those who do not lie, cheat, or steal, and those who have never been divorced or have had pre-wedding sex. –Unidentified Bakery Owner

“Jesus Christ! If you list my business in your Right Businesses Directory I will sue the living f*** out of you!” –Unidentified Mexican Restaurant owner

Dennis Paul’s business, Paul Engineering, as of today, is not listed in the Right Business Directory.

Welcome to Satire Sunday!


BREAKING: Another civil suit filed against Trump for defamation of character.

June 11, 2023

It’s like a nightmare, isn’t it? It just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn’t it? — The Color of Money

You would think that after getting hit with a $5 Million judgement for defamation of character Donald Trump would think about keeping his damn mouth shut. Unfortunately that isn’t who he is. He just can’t shut the hell up. Even Fox News has to cut away from his campaign speech and correct his claims about election fraud. (they really did!) And so it didn’t take long for him to be sued, again, for defamation of character after his unhinged rantings on Truth Social concerning his newest indictment.

So it comes to this. From a press release:

It has become apparent that after numerous attempts requesting the former President to stop defaming us in public, we have decided to file suit seeking not only a formal apology but for $450 Million in punitive damages. We have tried to resolve this without litigation but the former President continues to defame our members and we can no longer tolerate it. Former President Donald Trump’s continued rantings and ravings have defamed the members of WALBA (wall-a-bee) Whiny Ass Little Bitches of America. We are proud whiny ass little bitches but Trump’s whiny little ass has made us look and feel stupid.

We will whine in court.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Texas Republican pass modified ten commandments bill

May 28, 2023

Praise the lord?

Texas Republicans attempted to pass a bill requiring all public schools to post the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Unfortunately the bill stalled because various factions of Christians couldn’t decide which version of the ten commandments should be posted. The leader of the Catholic Caucus had this to say:

“Since Catholics are the largest group within the Christians faith we should be the deciding organization to determine which version of the commandments should be posted.”

The bill stalled until late last night when Democrats broke ranks and offered a compromise. According to State Representative S.A. Tan, “We have offered a compromise that not only will pass constitutional challenges, it will adequately reflect the true values of the Republican Party. With this compromise children in schools will know how to avoid being a dick.” The ten commandments that will be posted are:

  • Thou shall not steal
  • Thou shall not lie every fuckin day
  • Thou shall not pork a porn star
  • Thou shall not have affairs
  • Thou shall not have sex with interns
  • Thou shall not send dick pics to interns
  • Thou shall not be impeached
  • Thou shall not ban assault weapons
  • Thou shall not be like Ted Cruz
  • Thou shall not be a hypocrite

Praise the lord and welcome to Satire Sunday.


Open carry gun owners to provide extra security for Greg Abbott at Houston rally

May 1, 2023

Living in Texas makes it real easy to write shit like this.

After another mass shooting in Texas gun owners across the state will come to provide extra security for Governor Greg Abbott at his upcoming school voucher rally in Houston. According to an open carry advocate who wishes not to be identified:

“After yet another mass shooting killing a few illegal aliens we know Abbott is under pressure to enact gun restrictions to prevent mass shootings like the one in Cleveland, El Paso, Uvalde, Killeen, Dallas, Santa Fe, Waco, Sutherland Springs, and others. We will be there to provide extra security to show our support for Greg Abbott and his support for our guns, bullets, silencers, and body armor no matter who will lose their lives.”

Abbott is scheduled to visit a Christian school to rally for vouchers on Tuesday. According to Abbott’s staff “The schools in Texas have always been an easy target for 18 year olds who can easily buy military assault rifles. Even today after spending billions in fortifying the inside of our schools, the outside is still wide open. Luckily this school will not only have Jesus on their side they will have extra security provided by law abiding gun owners exercising their God given rights to carry AR15s like the one used to kill 5 illegal aliens in Cleveland.”

Kyle Rittenhouse has been asked to lead the security detail. He will carpool with State Representative Dennis Paul and State Representative Little Baby Briscoe Cain. Cain’s mother will drive both of them and afterward will stop by Dairy Queen for a Dilly Bar and French fries.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, a day late.


Bill requiring posting theTen Commandments in all CCISD schools advances

April 23, 2023

You might think this is Satire Sunday. It is but this is actually real. Sort of.

Let us prey. State Senator Phil King has advanced a bill to force all CCISD schools to post the Ten Commandments. According to King “Posting the ten commandments will cut down on mass shootings in schools, as well as bullying, stealing from fellow students, and screwing their teachers.”

A conflict concerning which version of the Ten Commandments should be posted caused quite a ruckus between the Catholics and Babtists including fighting and a few “goddamnits” mixed in. “Goddamnit the only version of the Commandments is the true version by the Catholic Church. Catholics are the largest Christian group in America and we, and only we should determine which version should be displayed.”

Bay Area’s Senator Money Mayes Middleton has offered a compromise bill with the following commandments:

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME EXCEPT FOR DONALD TRUMP

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN, GODDAMNIT

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY UNLESS YOU ARE WATCHING NFL.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. MOTHERF***ER.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL UNLESS YOU HAVE A LEGALY PURCHASED AR15

6. THOU SHALT NOT PORK A PORN STAR

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. LOL

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE UNLESS YOU ARE WHACKING OFF.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, sort of. From the Texas Tribune:

Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.

Senate Bill 1515 by Sen. Phil King, R-Weatherford, now heads to the House for consideration.


Texas bill to fortify schools with walls and barbed wire.

April 16, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

HB1776 filed by State Representative Dennis Paul would fortify every school in Texas to prevent another mass shooting. According to Paul “I support the second amendment and will do whatever it takes to protect the right to own assault weapons, armor piercing bullets, and silencers.”

HB1776 will allocate funds and raise taxes to fortify all schools with a brick wall topped with barbed wire. In recent shootings it is clear a door can easily be shot out to gain entry into the school. School playgrounds are wide open, some with a simple metal fence that a shooter can shoot through. Band practice venues, tennis courts, baseball fields are all wide open to someone with an assault weapon. A wall around every school would effectively stop a law abiding citizen with an assault weapon.

In 2022, Texas had 5,156,972 students enrolled in a total of 8,161 schools in 1,022 school districts. A wall for each school would cost about $1 Million with a total of over $8 Billion. The State would use half of their rainy day fund and the balance would be passed on to the parents of children attending school. “It’s a small price to pay to protect our rights to own assault weapons.” said Paul. Christian schools do not need the protection of a wall since they have the power of the Lord to protect them.

Next session the State will allocate funding to fortify school busses, parade routes, concert venues, shopping malls, and the work place. Churches will not need protection because they too are protected by the Lord. “We must do whatever it takes, whatever it costs, to protect the most loved possessions of our families, our guns.” said Paul. “oh…and our kids too.” he added.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.


Texas bill would allow high school seniors carry guns

March 12, 2023
Photo: Istvan Csak/Shutterstock

You have to get up pretty damn early in the morning to make shit up like this.

Texas is well known for being the epicenter for stupidity when it comes to laws governing the state. After law enforcement testified against open carry, Texas Republicans passed open carry. After the Santa Fe High School shooting killing 10 they passed Permitless Carry allowing anyone to openly carry a gun without fear of being questioned or challenged. Law Enforcement across the state was against that bill also. So now after the Uvalde shooting that killed 19 children and 2 teachers, Texas Republicans need to pass some kind of gun nut bill. They have one.

House Bill 666 (seriously) filed by State Representative Ima D. Opé would allow 18 year old seniors to carry guns in school. According to Opé” “Allowing law abiding citizens to carry in high schools would provide immediate protection against another law abiding 18 year old who legally bought an assault weapon, armor piercing bullets, and body armor from attacking our defenseless students.”

State Representative Dennis Paul (R-Houston) had this to say “Well considering we did absolutely nothing after 19 10 year olds had their heads blow off while attending grade school, I am glad we are at least considering doing something to sell more guns. I will offer my thoughts and prayers for the passage of this bill.”

Welcome to Texas folks. And welcome to Satire Sunday. (or is it?)

State Representative Dennis Paul at a polling location

Texas Republican bill will limit tax breaks for the divorced. (Praise the lord?)

March 3, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

Republican State Representative Tony Tinderholt, pictured here as he looks at a new intern, is not happy about House Bill  HB No. 2889, introduced by Republican representative Bryan Slaton. HB2889 will give huge tax breaks to those who are married and with lots of kids.

Unfortunately the bill excludes same sex marriages as well as those who are divorced. This has pissed off Tinderholt because he has been married FIVE times, twice to the same woman. He has clearly violated the “Sanctity of Marriage and One Man One Woman”. He has 3 kids from 2 of his wives. According to Reform Austin Tinderholt has voted against protecting women’s health and safety of children. He had a restraining order placed on him after his first marriage which included:

  • “Threatening Petitioner in person, by telephone, or in writing to take unlawful action against any person.”
  • “Causing bodily injury to Petitioner or to a child of either party.”
  • “Destroying, removing, concealing, encumbering, transferring, or otherwise harming or reducing the value of the property of one or both of the parties.”

Slaton’s bill will deny Tinderholt the right to benefit from the tax cuts for straight, white, christian, praise the lord, couples. Tinderholt responded:

“I intend to fight this bill and will beat off my opponents with both hands!.” (Actually he didn’t say this but it is funny!) It is clear the from bills filed the republican purity police is out in force.


Law Enforcement debunks Greg Abbott’s claim about “defunding” police

February 13, 2023

HARRIS COUNTY COALITION OF LAW ENFORCEMENT DEBUNKS GOVERNORS CLAIM OF DEFUNDING THE POLICE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Monday February 13, 2023

Harris County, Texas. The Harris County Coalition of Law Enforcement, consisting of members of law enforcement across Harris County and the City of Houston, issued the following response to Governor Greg Abbott’s tweet concerning funding for law enforcement in Harris County.

“Over the last few years law enforcement has been unfairly attacked due to a number of nation wide events of police misconduct. We all agree that our police force must be adequately trained and adequately paid while also holding them accountable for misconduct. This is not up for debate. Unfortunately there are those who have created this false idea of “defund the police” and those who are exploiting it.

Unfortunately Governor Greg Abbott is one of those who are exploiting this situation. We want to make sure Governor Abbott is aware that no one supports defunding our law enforcement. No one at the State, County, or City level including Harris County, has called for the defunding our police force or cutting our budgets. In fact if the Governor would take a few minutes to review the budget he would find that our budget has increased which is far from the hyperbole of defunding.

Law enforcement over the year have had a great relationship with the Governor. Under his leadership he put more guns on the street, allowing anyone to open carry assault weapons with body armor piercing bullets in the streets that we patrol. These individuals are there to provide backup to our members when needed. There is nothing more comforting to law enforcement than to see well armed, well trained, and throughly vetted gun owners ready to provide needed firepower. Governor Abbott and his party’s support of our men and women during the Jan 6 Capitol riot was greatly appreciated. We will never forget it.

We encourage the Governor to put down his phone, get off of twitter and off his ass, and learn how to read a budget.”

Staff Sergeant Getz A. Lief
Harris County Coalition of Law Enforcement


League City Texas to ban books on divorce, adultery, and guns.

December 4, 2022

League City Texas is a small community south of Houston. They pride themselves as being a conservative, christian, mostly white, city of love and diversity.

So next week League City will vote on a resolution, sponsored by Mayor Nick Long, that will ban books at the city library that contains subjects indoctrinating children in anti-christian lifestyles. According to a League City Councilman:

“The sanctity of marriage is sacred to League Citians. We do not condone adultery or normalizing single parenthood, porking porn stars or getting married over and over again. This is not a League City family value and all books referencing divorce or adultery in any form should be banned from our public libraries.”

“Books on gun topics should also be banned because they also go against our christian, family values especially after the Uvalde massacre that killed 19 children and 2 teachers. These books indoctrinate our children into a life style of shooting people to solve problems. As with adultery this is not a wholesome, christian, family value worthy of League City.”

The resolution will be voted on next week following a singles only prayer circle at the local shooting range.


#HerschelWalker threatens suit for “Defecation of Character”

October 7, 2022

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to make sh*t up like this!

According to CNBC Herschel Walker after being caught in lie after lie concerning his girlfriend’s abortion he paid for has threatened a lawsuit against The Daily Beast who broke the story.

Walker called the report “a flat-out lie” and vowed to file a defamation lawsuit against the news outlet by Tuesday morning. Spokespeople for Walker’s campaign have not responded to repeated questions about whether that lawsuit has been filed.

Herschel has responded to the report with a threat to file a lawsuit by Tuesday morning. Which Tuesday morning is still up for debate. According to Herschel:

Let me speak as clearly and coherently as probable. I will file a lawsuit ‘gainst any media outlet for defecation of my character. I will not put up with that shit from anyone. This story started in the toilet and will end with a swift wipe by the hand of the law. Even if my girlfriend who I have never met or known, had an abortion, and I paid for it, and there are receipts showing I paid for it, and there is a get well card I signed, and she later became the mother of one of my many children, it still doesn’t make it true. This crap just will not be toleratable.

Uh…..that is some crazy shit. Even crazier is that he has a chance to be in the United State Senate which would take the stink off of Ted Cruz for being the dumbest Senator in the Senate.


Greg Abbott: I’ll ban divorce if reelected

September 15, 2022

This is who Greg Abbott is. Don’t believe me. Believe him.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has called for a ban on divorces in Texas if reelected. This has caused a huge backlash from members of his own party including State Representative Tony Tinderholt who is on his 5th marriage, twice to his first wife. According to Tinderholt “What the *uck Governor? Do you need someone else to pick on besides the Mexicans, Gays, Jews, and other non-christians? Who I love or don’t love at any given point in time is none of your business.”

In attempting to explain his ban Abbott claims “Divorce is against everything the Republican Party stands for especially the Sanctity of Marriage. It is not the Sanctity of Marriages or One Man One Woman at One Time. It is one man. One woman. Forever. And ever. Amen.”

According to his plan those who want to get divorced could do so but would forever give up their rights to marry again. Also those who divorce will lose all benefits afforded to those who are married including health care benefits. “Texans who divorce will know up front the consequences for their inability to preserve their marriage, under god, like my wife and I have done.”

“I understand I will have opposition coming from both sides of the aisle but I pledge to all Texans that if reelected I will beat off the opposition with both hands in order to protect the sanctity of marriage.”