Bay Area Houston

Keep Congressman Troy Nehls and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Congressman Troy Nehls. No other individual or family members were involved. According to the report: “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Saturday night to assist the Congressman from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable to free the Congressman but will not stop trying until the job is completed and Congressman Nehls is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Nehls to publicly denounce the 34 guilty verdicts against Donald Trump. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Congressman Nehls gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Congressman Nehls lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. We continue to struggle with the situation. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Nehls stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Texas is well known for their saying “We do things bigger in Texas”, including having some of the biggest ass kissers in the country.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Veterans across the country took a break from their Memorial Day activities to come to the defense of the former President concerning his Truth Social post. Trump was highly criticized for his post starting with “Happy Memorial Day to All” then diving into a rambling mess, calling Americans including Veterans “Human Scum”.

Veterans were quick to come to his defense. “Men and women, who we are honoring today on Memorial Day, made the ultimate sacrifice to support the freedom to use Memorial Day as Trump’s own personal playground.”

“As a Christian, Conservative, Veteran I am proud to take time away from grilling burgers and drinking Coors Light to defend Trump and his family on Memorial Day.”

“Donald Trump is an asshole but he is my asshole and I will always clean my asshole after a social media dump.”

Although Veterans came to the defense of Trump they were not very happy with the post by his son Eric. Eric, considered the dumb one of the bunch, shared another user’s post that featured a photo of the Trump family and the claim that they’d given up “everything to Save America.” The same Veterans who took time away from drinking Coors Light were quick to respond:

“What a dick!”
“Who the fuck is Eric?”
“That boy needs an ass kicking.”
“I will defend Trump taking a dump in Arlington but I will not stand for what this dick head is doing!”

This is satire. Or is it?

“He’s gone too far.”

Republicans across Texas are outraged over the latest attack on personal freedoms. Paxton has filed lawsuit after lawsuit limiting women’s reproductive rights, their rights to travel, and immigrant rights who legally enter the country but yesterday he went too far.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton is now limiting access to website across the State with an all out internet ban. Many Republicans are outraged by the micromanaging by Paxton and limiting their 1st Amendment rights. As one said “What I do in my bedroom or bathroom is none of Paxton’s business!”.

According to the Houston Chronicle Paxton has sued a number of companies causing them to cut off access to their sites in the State. Porn sites like Pornhub have been accused of not verifying the age of horny kids. Conservatives are pissed including other elected officials. “You can ban books. You can ban women’s reproductive rights. You can ban illegal immigration, but you, Sir, have gone too far! The next time I see Ken Paxton I am going to beat him off with BOTH hands!”.

Conservatives. You just got to love them. Welcome to Satire Sunday.

According to the Texas State Historical Association: The word Friendship was adopted as the Texas state motto by the Forty-first Texas Legislature in February 1930. The word was probably chosen because the name Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of a Caddo Indian word sometimes translated to mean “friends” or “allies.”

Today Governor Abbott will ask the Texas Legislature to change the motto. “After nearly 100 years it is time that we, as conservatives, change the motto of our great State to something that reflects the current state of the State and one that adequately represents who we are.”

So in 2025 my first bill I will sign will be to change our motto from Friendship to Fuck You. If you are gay, fuck you. If you are a gun violence survivor, fuck you. If you are a Jew, Muslim, or any non-christian, fuck you. If you are from out of state, in law enforcement, in the military, or a Mexican, fuck you.

And if you are a teacher, in the words of Mattress Mac, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

That is who we are. That is what we have become. So, fuck you, fuck off, and welcome to Satire Sunday.

No Place but Texas.

February 25, 2024 | Austin, Texas | Press Release

After the recent ruling by the Alabama Supreme Court affirming defining frozen embryos as children, Governor Greg Abbott today announced taking executive action and declaring sperm also as children and therefore protected under the anti abortion laws of Texas.

“Texas is by far the most conservative State in the nation and we will uphold our conservative values to protect life at every stage including classifying sperm as children. I have conferred with the members of the Texas Supreme Court and was assured this was not only legal but ethical and Godly.”

According to the executive order this will take effect immediately, under the Texas abortion laws, unless the Legislature takes decisive action to overturn it.

“I intend to defend this action and protect not only frozen embryos but also the viable, life filled, jizz that has spilled over in past rulings. No more will we allow these young children to be left in a sock, tissue, or in the shower. I will make this promise to every republican in Texas. If anyone challenges this executive order I will beat them off with both hands!”

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

Keep Senator Ted Cruz and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Luckily no other individual or family members were involved. According to the report “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Friday night to assist the junior Senator from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable, at this time, to free Senator Cruz but we will not stop trying until the job is completed and Senator Cruz is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Cruz to publicly endorse Donald Trump for President. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Senator Cruz gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Senator Cruz’s lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. I’m was taken back by Cruz since Trump at one time called his ugly wife, ugly, and claimed his father was responsible for killing JFK. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Cruz stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Film at 11.