Breaking: Jaws of life called for United States Senator from Texas

January 20, 2024

Keep Senator Ted Cruz and his family in your prayers.

The Alexandria fire department and the “jaws of life” was called for an accident involving Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Luckily no other individual or family members were involved. According to the report “The Alexandria Fire Department Station 42 was called late Friday night to assist the junior Senator from Texas. Our first responders, who are trained in the use of the jaws of life, were unable, at this time, to free Senator Cruz but we will not stop trying until the job is completed and Senator Cruz is rescued.”

According to the first responders the accident happened right after the press conference held by Cruz to publicly endorse Donald Trump for President. “When we arrived at the accident we immediately called for the jaws of life. The scene was horrible with Senator Cruz gasping for air and pleading for help.”

“Our brave first responders took decisive action with the jaws of life and tried to pry Senator Cruz’s lips off of Donald Trump’s ass, but he was stuck. I’ve never seen anyone kiss someones ass so hard that they got stuck. I’m was taken back by Cruz since Trump at one time called his ugly wife, ugly, and claimed his father was responsible for killing JFK. The fact that Trump continued to walk around with Cruz stuck to his ass didn’t help.”

Film at 11.

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Welcome Back Party to be held for Paxton at OAG office

September 17, 2023

This should be fun!

The staff at the Texas Attorney’s Office are planning a welcome back party for Attorney General Ken Paxton after he was acquitted of 16 impeachment charges. According to his personal scheduler, who asked not to be identified, “I am so thrilled he is coming back. We will have a big cake for every staff member to enjoy.”

“I urge everyone in the office to sign the card with your name and phone number to show General Paxton that you actually showed up. Otherwise he might retaliate and fire your ass.”

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HISD to convert libraries into paddling rooms

July 30, 2023

We knew it was coming.

As part of the State takeover of the Houston Independent School District libraries across the state are being turned into disciplinary centers.

“There is nothing better than a good old fashion paddling to straighten out and humiliate a child.” said an Texas Governor Greg Abbott. Corporal punishment, including hitting a child with a paddle, a belt, rope, or electrical cord, was outlawed decades ago except in the Catholic Church where knuckle whacking with a ruler is still performed.

Parents had mixed feeling about the proposed punishment. According to one parent, “I have no problem with a teacher whipping the snot out of my kid just as long I can do the same to the teacher if my kids grades don’t improve.” According to the new superintendent “Paddling centers will be implemented across the district. Paddlings, whippings, and slaps will continue until parents show they are capable of discipling their own kids. Maybe we could extend the paddling to parents.”

And welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Clear Lake Republicans compile a wholesome family business directory

July 16, 2023

No Shirt. No Shoes. No Gays. No Service.

With the recent Supreme Court decision allowing businesses to discriminate based upon “religious” beliefs, Clear Lake State Representative Dennis Paul has called for creating a business directory for those who embrace the wholesome family values of the Republican Party.

A directory will be distributed to every household in the Bay Area, similar to the yellow pages. It will list business owners who will not provide services to the Gay community, their family members, or friends. These business owners will be identified in the directory and provided a colorful sticker to proudly display on their establishment’s window.

“I believe fine Christian business owners across the Bay Area will flock to be listed in this directory which I have called “The Right Businesses Pages” and would be proud to have this directory provided to over 60,000 households across the area.” said Paul. According to Paul’s office the responses sent to his office has been swift and very positive with many willing to give up significant amount of business to embrace their love for Jesus Christ our Savior and the Supreme Court ruling.

“I’m a wholesome Christian business owner. I may lose 30% of my business when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Auto repair shop

“As a Christian my business may crater when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Nail Salon Owner

As a proud Christian business owner I applaud Dennis Paul and will be proud to limit my business dealings to those with wholesome Christians values catering only to heterosexuals, those who do not lie, cheat, or steal, and those who have never been divorced or have had pre-wedding sex. –Unidentified Bakery Owner

“Jesus Christ! If you list my business in your Right Businesses Directory I will sue the living f*** out of you!” –Unidentified Mexican Restaurant owner

Dennis Paul’s business, Paul Engineering, as of today, is not listed in the Right Business Directory.

Welcome to Satire Sunday!

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Posted by johncoby

BREAKING: Another civil suit filed against Trump for defamation of character.

June 11, 2023

It’s like a nightmare, isn’t it? It just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn’t it? — The Color of Money

You would think that after getting hit with a $5 Million judgement for defamation of character Donald Trump would think about keeping his damn mouth shut. Unfortunately that isn’t who he is. He just can’t shut the hell up. Even Fox News has to cut away from his campaign speech and correct his claims about election fraud. (they really did!) And so it didn’t take long for him to be sued, again, for defamation of character after his unhinged rantings on Truth Social concerning his newest indictment.

So it comes to this. From a press release:

It has become apparent that after numerous attempts requesting the former President to stop defaming us in public, we have decided to file suit seeking not only a formal apology but for $450 Million in punitive damages. We have tried to resolve this without litigation but the former President continues to defame our members and we can no longer tolerate it. Former President Donald Trump’s continued rantings and ravings have defamed the members of WALBA (wall-a-bee) Whiny Ass Little Bitches of America. We are proud whiny ass little bitches but Trump’s whiny little ass has made us look and feel stupid.

We will whine in court.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Open carry gun owners to provide extra security for Greg Abbott at Houston rally

May 1, 2023

Living in Texas makes it real easy to write shit like this.

After another mass shooting in Texas gun owners across the state will come to provide extra security for Governor Greg Abbott at his upcoming school voucher rally in Houston. According to an open carry advocate who wishes not to be identified:

“After yet another mass shooting killing a few illegal aliens we know Abbott is under pressure to enact gun restrictions to prevent mass shootings like the one in Cleveland, El Paso, Uvalde, Killeen, Dallas, Santa Fe, Waco, Sutherland Springs, and others. We will be there to provide extra security to show our support for Greg Abbott and his support for our guns, bullets, silencers, and body armor no matter who will lose their lives.”

Abbott is scheduled to visit a Christian school to rally for vouchers on Tuesday. According to Abbott’s staff “The schools in Texas have always been an easy target for 18 year olds who can easily buy military assault rifles. Even today after spending billions in fortifying the inside of our schools, the outside is still wide open. Luckily this school will not only have Jesus on their side they will have extra security provided by law abiding gun owners exercising their God given rights to carry AR15s like the one used to kill 5 illegal aliens in Cleveland.”

Kyle Rittenhouse has been asked to lead the security detail. He will carpool with State Representative Dennis Paul and State Representative Little Baby Briscoe Cain. Cain’s mother will drive both of them and afterward will stop by Dairy Queen for a Dilly Bar and French fries.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, a day late.

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Bill requiring posting theTen Commandments in all CCISD schools advances

April 23, 2023

You might think this is Satire Sunday. It is but this is actually real. Sort of.

Let us prey. State Senator Phil King has advanced a bill to force all CCISD schools to post the Ten Commandments. According to King “Posting the ten commandments will cut down on mass shootings in schools, as well as bullying, stealing from fellow students, and screwing their teachers.”

A conflict concerning which version of the Ten Commandments should be posted caused quite a ruckus between the Catholics and Babtists including fighting and a few “goddamnits” mixed in. “Goddamnit the only version of the Commandments is the true version by the Catholic Church. Catholics are the largest Christian group in America and we, and only we should determine which version should be displayed.”

Bay Area’s Senator Money Mayes Middleton has offered a compromise bill with the following commandments:

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME EXCEPT FOR DONALD TRUMP

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN, GODDAMNIT

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY UNLESS YOU ARE WATCHING NFL.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. MOTHERF***ER.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL UNLESS YOU HAVE A LEGALY PURCHASED AR15

6. THOU SHALT NOT PORK A PORN STAR

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. LOL

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE UNLESS YOU ARE WHACKING OFF.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, sort of. From the Texas Tribune:

Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.

Senate Bill 1515 by Sen. Phil King, R-Weatherford, now heads to the House for consideration.

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League City to honor PTSD veterans with spectacular fireworks display

April 9, 2023

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to make stuff up like this.

League City Chamber of Commerce is going to honor our Vets, many who may have PTSD. According to the Mayo Clinic, a clinic not based upon the medical teachings of our lord Jesus Christ and the Bible:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

What can be better than having a fireworks display to honor those with PTSD? How about having the event at a gun club? Well that is what they really intend to do. (not the fireworks) Maybe they will raffle off an AR15, the military weapon used in combat as well as the gun of choice to kill kids in school, churches, parades, dance clubs, and concerts.

Honoring our Veterans is honorable. That is a good event sponsored by the Chamber and they should be commended for it but for fucks sakes, at a gun club? Really? For many who have seen the horrors of war maybe highlighting the weapons used to create the horrors or war isn’t exactly the best venue.

I began this post as satire for Satire Sunday but it is just too disturbing to make fun of. Praise to the Chamber and to our Veterans but Jesus, please read the room next time.

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Texas State Representative “Little Baby” Briscoe gets spanked by the Houston Chronicle

October 13, 2022

Texas State Representative “Little Baby” Briscoe Cain, pictured here in a recent photo at his 35th birthday, got a spanking by the Houston Chronicle.

The Chronicle endorsed his opponent Chuck Crews based upon his professional experience and the lack of professionalism of Baby Briscoe. From the Chronicle:

Fortunately, Democratic challenger Chuck Crews struck us as direct, capable and thoughtful, with a professional background that would help his constituents. A longtime petrochemical engineer, Crews said he’d put his extensive knowledge of the industry to use right away in the Legislature to make plants mechanically safer and environmentally cleaner for surrounding communities.

The Chronicle puts Baby Briscoe over their knee and gives him a good verbal whipping like his mom did at the Texas Democratic Convention. A few years ago he was flashing his concealed handgun and got his little ass thrown out of the convention center. His mother was called to pick him up. She stated: 

“I am so sorry for my son’s behavior. I have told him to not play cops and robbers in the open and to never take his toy guns out of the house. I intend to whoop his ass once I get him home.”

(she really didn’t say that)

Baby Briscoe is an asshole. A Texas sized little asshole. He is a perfect republican. He is an election denier, a liar, a gun nut, a disrespecting little child. He acts like a child on the Texas House floor. He thinks he is cute. He is a child in a grown ass man’s body. Unfortunately his district will vote for a billy goat just as long as it has an R behind his name and Baby Briscoe has an (R) behind his name.

This is who they are.

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Greg Abbott: I’ll ban divorce if reelected

September 15, 2022

From TexasLegal.org

This is who Greg Abbott is. Don’t believe me. Believe him.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has called for a ban on divorces in Texas if reelected. This has caused a huge backlash from members of his own party including State Representative Tony Tinderholt who is on his 5th marriage, twice to his first wife. According to Tinderholt “What the *uck Governor? Do you need someone else to pick on besides the Mexicans, Gays, Jews, and other non-christians? Who I love or don’t love at any given point in time is none of your business.”

In attempting to explain his ban Abbott claims “Divorce is against everything the Republican Party stands for especially the Sanctity of Marriage. It is not the Sanctity of Marriages or One Man One Woman at One Time. It is one man. One woman. Forever. And ever. Amen.”

According to his plan those who want to get divorced could do so but would forever give up their rights to marry again. Also those who divorce will lose all benefits afforded to those who are married including health care benefits. “Texans who divorce will know up front the consequences for their inability to preserve their marriage, under god, like my wife and I have done.”

“I understand I will have opposition coming from both sides of the aisle but I pledge to all Texans that if reelected I will beat off the opposition with both hands in order to protect the sanctity of marriage.”

From The Randy Report

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