HISD to convert libraries into paddling rooms

July 30, 2023

We knew it was coming.

As part of the State takeover of the Houston Independent School District libraries across the state are being turned into disciplinary centers.

“There is nothing better than a good old fashion paddling to straighten out and humiliate a child.” said an Texas Governor Greg Abbott. Corporal punishment, including hitting a child with a paddle, a belt, rope, or electrical cord, was outlawed decades ago except in the Catholic Church where knuckle whacking with a ruler is still performed.

Parents had mixed feeling about the proposed punishment. According to one parent, “I have no problem with a teacher whipping the snot out of my kid just as long I can do the same to the teacher if my kids grades don’t improve.” According to the new superintendent “Paddling centers will be implemented across the district. Paddlings, whippings, and slaps will continue until parents show they are capable of discipling their own kids. Maybe we could extend the paddling to parents.”

And welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Posted by johncoby

Clear Lake Republicans compile a wholesome family business directory

July 16, 2023

No Shirt. No Shoes. No Gays. No Service.

With the recent Supreme Court decision allowing businesses to discriminate based upon “religious” beliefs, Clear Lake State Representative Dennis Paul has called for creating a business directory for those who embrace the wholesome family values of the Republican Party.

A directory will be distributed to every household in the Bay Area, similar to the yellow pages. It will list business owners who will not provide services to the Gay community, their family members, or friends. These business owners will be identified in the directory and provided a colorful sticker to proudly display on their establishment’s window.

“I believe fine Christian business owners across the Bay Area will flock to be listed in this directory which I have called “The Right Businesses Pages” and would be proud to have this directory provided to over 60,000 households across the area.” said Paul. According to Paul’s office the responses sent to his office has been swift and very positive with many willing to give up significant amount of business to embrace their love for Jesus Christ our Savior and the Supreme Court ruling.

“I’m a wholesome Christian business owner. I may lose 30% of my business when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Auto repair shop

“As a Christian my business may crater when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Nail Salon Owner

As a proud Christian business owner I applaud Dennis Paul and will be proud to limit my business dealings to those with wholesome Christians values catering only to heterosexuals, those who do not lie, cheat, or steal, and those who have never been divorced or have had pre-wedding sex. –Unidentified Bakery Owner

“Jesus Christ! If you list my business in your Right Businesses Directory I will sue the living f*** out of you!” –Unidentified Mexican Restaurant owner

Dennis Paul’s business, Paul Engineering, as of today, is not listed in the Right Business Directory.

Welcome to Satire Sunday!

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Posted by johncoby

BREAKING: Another civil suit filed against Trump for defamation of character.

June 11, 2023

It’s like a nightmare, isn’t it? It just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn’t it? — The Color of Money

You would think that after getting hit with a $5 Million judgement for defamation of character Donald Trump would think about keeping his damn mouth shut. Unfortunately that isn’t who he is. He just can’t shut the hell up. Even Fox News has to cut away from his campaign speech and correct his claims about election fraud. (they really did!) And so it didn’t take long for him to be sued, again, for defamation of character after his unhinged rantings on Truth Social concerning his newest indictment.

So it comes to this. From a press release:

It has become apparent that after numerous attempts requesting the former President to stop defaming us in public, we have decided to file suit seeking not only a formal apology but for $450 Million in punitive damages. We have tried to resolve this without litigation but the former President continues to defame our members and we can no longer tolerate it. Former President Donald Trump’s continued rantings and ravings have defamed the members of WALBA (wall-a-bee) Whiny Ass Little Bitches of America. We are proud whiny ass little bitches but Trump’s whiny little ass has made us look and feel stupid.

We will whine in court.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Open carry gun owners to provide extra security for Greg Abbott at Houston rally

May 1, 2023

Living in Texas makes it real easy to write shit like this.

After another mass shooting in Texas gun owners across the state will come to provide extra security for Governor Greg Abbott at his upcoming school voucher rally in Houston. According to an open carry advocate who wishes not to be identified:

“After yet another mass shooting killing a few illegal aliens we know Abbott is under pressure to enact gun restrictions to prevent mass shootings like the one in Cleveland, El Paso, Uvalde, Killeen, Dallas, Santa Fe, Waco, Sutherland Springs, and others. We will be there to provide extra security to show our support for Greg Abbott and his support for our guns, bullets, silencers, and body armor no matter who will lose their lives.”

Abbott is scheduled to visit a Christian school to rally for vouchers on Tuesday. According to Abbott’s staff “The schools in Texas have always been an easy target for 18 year olds who can easily buy military assault rifles. Even today after spending billions in fortifying the inside of our schools, the outside is still wide open. Luckily this school will not only have Jesus on their side they will have extra security provided by law abiding gun owners exercising their God given rights to carry AR15s like the one used to kill 5 illegal aliens in Cleveland.”

Kyle Rittenhouse has been asked to lead the security detail. He will carpool with State Representative Dennis Paul and State Representative Little Baby Briscoe Cain. Cain’s mother will drive both of them and afterward will stop by Dairy Queen for a Dilly Bar and French fries.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, a day late.

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Posted by johncoby

Bill requiring posting theTen Commandments in all CCISD schools advances

April 23, 2023

You might think this is Satire Sunday. It is but this is actually real. Sort of.

Let us prey. State Senator Phil King has advanced a bill to force all CCISD schools to post the Ten Commandments. According to King “Posting the ten commandments will cut down on mass shootings in schools, as well as bullying, stealing from fellow students, and screwing their teachers.”

A conflict concerning which version of the Ten Commandments should be posted caused quite a ruckus between the Catholics and Babtists including fighting and a few “goddamnits” mixed in. “Goddamnit the only version of the Commandments is the true version by the Catholic Church. Catholics are the largest Christian group in America and we, and only we should determine which version should be displayed.”

Bay Area’s Senator Money Mayes Middleton has offered a compromise bill with the following commandments:

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME EXCEPT FOR DONALD TRUMP

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN, GODDAMNIT

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY UNLESS YOU ARE WATCHING NFL.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. MOTHERF***ER.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL UNLESS YOU HAVE A LEGALY PURCHASED AR15

6. THOU SHALT NOT PORK A PORN STAR

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. LOL

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE UNLESS YOU ARE WHACKING OFF.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, sort of. From the Texas Tribune:

Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.

Senate Bill 1515 by Sen. Phil King, R-Weatherford, now heads to the House for consideration.

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League City to honor PTSD veterans with spectacular fireworks display

April 9, 2023

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to make stuff up like this.

League City Chamber of Commerce is going to honor our Vets, many who may have PTSD. According to the Mayo Clinic, a clinic not based upon the medical teachings of our lord Jesus Christ and the Bible:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

What can be better than having a fireworks display to honor those with PTSD? How about having the event at a gun club? Well that is what they really intend to do. (not the fireworks) Maybe they will raffle off an AR15, the military weapon used in combat as well as the gun of choice to kill kids in school, churches, parades, dance clubs, and concerts.

Honoring our Veterans is honorable. That is a good event sponsored by the Chamber and they should be commended for it but for fucks sakes, at a gun club? Really? For many who have seen the horrors of war maybe highlighting the weapons used to create the horrors or war isn’t exactly the best venue.

I began this post as satire for Satire Sunday but it is just too disturbing to make fun of. Praise to the Chamber and to our Veterans but Jesus, please read the room next time.

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Posted by johncoby

Texas State Representative “Little Baby” Briscoe gets spanked by the Houston Chronicle

October 13, 2022

Texas State Representative “Little Baby” Briscoe Cain, pictured here in a recent photo at his 35th birthday, got a spanking by the Houston Chronicle.

The Chronicle endorsed his opponent Chuck Crews based upon his professional experience and the lack of professionalism of Baby Briscoe. From the Chronicle:

Fortunately, Democratic challenger Chuck Crews struck us as direct, capable and thoughtful, with a professional background that would help his constituents. A longtime petrochemical engineer, Crews said he’d put his extensive knowledge of the industry to use right away in the Legislature to make plants mechanically safer and environmentally cleaner for surrounding communities.

The Chronicle puts Baby Briscoe over their knee and gives him a good verbal whipping like his mom did at the Texas Democratic Convention. A few years ago he was flashing his concealed handgun and got his little ass thrown out of the convention center. His mother was called to pick him up. She stated: 

“I am so sorry for my son’s behavior. I have told him to not play cops and robbers in the open and to never take his toy guns out of the house. I intend to whoop his ass once I get him home.”

(she really didn’t say that)

Baby Briscoe is an asshole. A Texas sized little asshole. He is a perfect republican. He is an election denier, a liar, a gun nut, a disrespecting little child. He acts like a child on the Texas House floor. He thinks he is cute. He is a child in a grown ass man’s body. Unfortunately his district will vote for a billy goat just as long as it has an R behind his name and Baby Briscoe has an (R) behind his name.

This is who they are.

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Posted by johncoby

Greg Abbott: I’ll ban divorce if reelected

September 15, 2022

From TexasLegal.org

This is who Greg Abbott is. Don’t believe me. Believe him.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has called for a ban on divorces in Texas if reelected. This has caused a huge backlash from members of his own party including State Representative Tony Tinderholt who is on his 5th marriage, twice to his first wife. According to Tinderholt “What the *uck Governor? Do you need someone else to pick on besides the Mexicans, Gays, Jews, and other non-christians? Who I love or don’t love at any given point in time is none of your business.”

In attempting to explain his ban Abbott claims “Divorce is against everything the Republican Party stands for especially the Sanctity of Marriage. It is not the Sanctity of Marriages or One Man One Woman at One Time. It is one man. One woman. Forever. And ever. Amen.”

According to his plan those who want to get divorced could do so but would forever give up their rights to marry again. Also those who divorce will lose all benefits afforded to those who are married including health care benefits. “Texans who divorce will know up front the consequences for their inability to preserve their marriage, under god, like my wife and I have done.”

“I understand I will have opposition coming from both sides of the aisle but I pledge to all Texans that if reelected I will beat off the opposition with both hands in order to protect the sanctity of marriage.”

From The Randy Report

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Group to file lawsuit against Texas Senator Paul Bettencourt for PPP Loan forgiveness

August 30, 2022

Yesterday Harris County Commissioner Adrian Garcia called out State Senator Paul Bettencourt. Bettencourt has been critical of President Biden’s school loan assistance program. According to Garcia, Bettencourt has also received free assistance from the Federal Government to the tune of $623,500 through the PPP loan program. According to the Houston Chronicle, Garcia asked Bettencourt via Twitter:

“Is this you?” Democrat Adrian Garcia tweeted at Sen. Paul Bettencourt, a Republican who criticized President Joe Biden’s plan to offer student debtors up to $20,000 in relief was “costing $600+Bil.”

In his defense, Bettencourt said “No one gives back free money”.

Ok, he didn’t say exactly that but the massive hypocrisy of criticizing the Federal Government providing help to students in debt while accepting $623,500 in free money from the Federal Government has not gone unnoticed. The Society of Hypocrites in Texas has filed suit against Bettencourt. According to their statement:

The State of Texas has a proud history of being hypocrites but we have never been afraid to accept help from the government when needed but we know our limits and we know to keep our mouth shut. No one is more of a Texas sized hypocrite than Senator Ted Cruz, yet Paul Bettoncourt gives him a good run for his free money.

Because of this, the members of the Society of Hypocrites of Texas (SHIT) have decided to file suit against Paul Bettoncourt for defecation of character. Let us be very clear. We are not going to take this shit from Paul Bettoncourt.

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Posted by johncoby

Why AT&T customer service is rated #1 in the world

August 28, 2022

After waiting on the phone to talk to an AT&T customer service representative have you ever wondered how AT&T is rated #1 in customer service? Well so do I. Here is why I think they deserve this rating.

When AT&T is working it works just great. I have great cellular coverage, unlimited data, no throttling, my internet access for home is reliable, and Uverse is just great. Luckily you do not need customer support when everything is just fine.

Talking to a machine. When something goes wrong is when things go wrong. AT&T uses a computer assistant to screen calls resulting in most callers yelling REPRESENTATIVE!!!! Usually the assistant will ask a series of question trying to find the right representative for you to speak to. Most of the time it will provide useless information like “log in and solve your own fuckin problem” when you calling because you can’t login in in the first place.

Waiting. Once they transfer you to a representative the waiting starts. This is a good time to take a shower, mow the lawn, or watch a 3 hour movie because that is how long you will wait to talk to a REPRESENTATIVE!

Getting a call back. AT&T values the 3 hours you will wait for a REPRESENTATIVE and will give you an opportunity to receive a callback when it is your turn. You can get a call back usually at 11 PM or the next day if you are lucky. If you ever receive the call back you have to push 1 to talk to the REPRESENTATIVE. Many times the button will not work and AT&T will simply hang up with a friendly “Goodbye”

Hanging up, transferring. Once you are finally talking to a REPRESENTATIVE the first line of defense would be to tell the caller “You have the wrong department. Let me transfer you…” and the wait starts all over again. When you finally get the right REPRESENTATIVE on the phone and they are incompetent and cannot solve your problem they will put you on hold, multiple times, then they will simply hang up.

Visiting an AT&T store. The first thing the service representative will do is to call…..wait for it….customer support.

So the bottom line AT&T customer service is the best in the world in teaching you have to be patient, how to control your temper, and how to cancel your entire service…..if only you can talk to a REPRESENTATIVE to do so.

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Posted by johncoby

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