Welcome Back Party to be held for Paxton at OAG office

September 17, 2023

This should be fun!

The staff at the Texas Attorney’s Office are planning a welcome back party for Attorney General Ken Paxton after he was acquitted of 16 impeachment charges. According to his personal scheduler, who asked not to be identified, “I am so thrilled he is coming back. We will have a big cake for every staff member to enjoy.”

“I urge everyone in the office to sign the card with your name and phone number to show General Paxton that you actually showed up. Otherwise he might retaliate and fire your ass.”

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Posted by johncoby

LEAKED! Talking points released for Ken Paxton’s acquittal

September 15, 2023

Seriously, what kind of idiot would do this?

After watching the majority of the Paxton impeachment I believe the defense is going to focus on the lack of evidence concerning the bribery charge. If the Senators acquit Paxton they will walk out and tell the media that they couldn’t prove their case concerning bribery and they will focus on that and that only. But just in case here are some other talking points for the Senate GOP (Group Of Pussies):

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Posted by johncoby

Clear Lake Republicans compile a wholesome family business directory

July 16, 2023

No Shirt. No Shoes. No Gays. No Service.

With the recent Supreme Court decision allowing businesses to discriminate based upon “religious” beliefs, Clear Lake State Representative Dennis Paul has called for creating a business directory for those who embrace the wholesome family values of the Republican Party.

A directory will be distributed to every household in the Bay Area, similar to the yellow pages. It will list business owners who will not provide services to the Gay community, their family members, or friends. These business owners will be identified in the directory and provided a colorful sticker to proudly display on their establishment’s window.

“I believe fine Christian business owners across the Bay Area will flock to be listed in this directory which I have called “The Right Businesses Pages” and would be proud to have this directory provided to over 60,000 households across the area.” said Paul. According to Paul’s office the responses sent to his office has been swift and very positive with many willing to give up significant amount of business to embrace their love for Jesus Christ our Savior and the Supreme Court ruling.

“I’m a wholesome Christian business owner. I may lose 30% of my business when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Auto repair shop

“As a Christian my business may crater when I am listed in this directory!” –Unidentified Nail Salon Owner

As a proud Christian business owner I applaud Dennis Paul and will be proud to limit my business dealings to those with wholesome Christians values catering only to heterosexuals, those who do not lie, cheat, or steal, and those who have never been divorced or have had pre-wedding sex. –Unidentified Bakery Owner

“Jesus Christ! If you list my business in your Right Businesses Directory I will sue the living f*** out of you!” –Unidentified Mexican Restaurant owner

Dennis Paul’s business, Paul Engineering, as of today, is not listed in the Right Business Directory.

Welcome to Satire Sunday!

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Posted by johncoby

BREAKING: Another civil suit filed against Trump for defamation of character.

June 11, 2023

It’s like a nightmare, isn’t it? It just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn’t it? — The Color of Money

You would think that after getting hit with a $5 Million judgement for defamation of character Donald Trump would think about keeping his damn mouth shut. Unfortunately that isn’t who he is. He just can’t shut the hell up. Even Fox News has to cut away from his campaign speech and correct his claims about election fraud. (they really did!) And so it didn’t take long for him to be sued, again, for defamation of character after his unhinged rantings on Truth Social concerning his newest indictment.

So it comes to this. From a press release:

It has become apparent that after numerous attempts requesting the former President to stop defaming us in public, we have decided to file suit seeking not only a formal apology but for $450 Million in punitive damages. We have tried to resolve this without litigation but the former President continues to defame our members and we can no longer tolerate it. Former President Donald Trump’s continued rantings and ravings have defamed the members of WALBA (wall-a-bee) Whiny Ass Little Bitches of America. We are proud whiny ass little bitches but Trump’s whiny little ass has made us look and feel stupid.

We will whine in court.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Posted by johncoby

Texas Republican pass modified ten commandments bill

May 28, 2023

Praise the lord?

Texas Republicans attempted to pass a bill requiring all public schools to post the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Unfortunately the bill stalled because various factions of Christians couldn’t decide which version of the ten commandments should be posted. The leader of the Catholic Caucus had this to say:

“Since Catholics are the largest group within the Christians faith we should be the deciding organization to determine which version of the commandments should be posted.”

The bill stalled until late last night when Democrats broke ranks and offered a compromise. According to State Representative S.A. Tan, “We have offered a compromise that not only will pass constitutional challenges, it will adequately reflect the true values of the Republican Party. With this compromise children in schools will know how to avoid being a dick.” The ten commandments that will be posted are:

  • Thou shall not steal
  • Thou shall not lie every fuckin day
  • Thou shall not pork a porn star
  • Thou shall not have affairs
  • Thou shall not have sex with interns
  • Thou shall not send dick pics to interns
  • Thou shall not be impeached
  • Thou shall not ban assault weapons
  • Thou shall not be like Ted Cruz
  • Thou shall not be a hypocrite

Praise the lord and welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Posted by johncoby

Open carry gun owners to provide extra security for Greg Abbott at Houston rally

May 1, 2023

Living in Texas makes it real easy to write shit like this.

After another mass shooting in Texas gun owners across the state will come to provide extra security for Governor Greg Abbott at his upcoming school voucher rally in Houston. According to an open carry advocate who wishes not to be identified:

“After yet another mass shooting killing a few illegal aliens we know Abbott is under pressure to enact gun restrictions to prevent mass shootings like the one in Cleveland, El Paso, Uvalde, Killeen, Dallas, Santa Fe, Waco, Sutherland Springs, and others. We will be there to provide extra security to show our support for Greg Abbott and his support for our guns, bullets, silencers, and body armor no matter who will lose their lives.”

Abbott is scheduled to visit a Christian school to rally for vouchers on Tuesday. According to Abbott’s staff “The schools in Texas have always been an easy target for 18 year olds who can easily buy military assault rifles. Even today after spending billions in fortifying the inside of our schools, the outside is still wide open. Luckily this school will not only have Jesus on their side they will have extra security provided by law abiding gun owners exercising their God given rights to carry AR15s like the one used to kill 5 illegal aliens in Cleveland.”

Kyle Rittenhouse has been asked to lead the security detail. He will carpool with State Representative Dennis Paul and State Representative Little Baby Briscoe Cain. Cain’s mother will drive both of them and afterward will stop by Dairy Queen for a Dilly Bar and French fries.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, a day late.

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Posted by johncoby

Bill requiring posting theTen Commandments in all CCISD schools advances

April 23, 2023

You might think this is Satire Sunday. It is but this is actually real. Sort of.

Let us prey. State Senator Phil King has advanced a bill to force all CCISD schools to post the Ten Commandments. According to King “Posting the ten commandments will cut down on mass shootings in schools, as well as bullying, stealing from fellow students, and screwing their teachers.”

A conflict concerning which version of the Ten Commandments should be posted caused quite a ruckus between the Catholics and Babtists including fighting and a few “goddamnits” mixed in. “Goddamnit the only version of the Commandments is the true version by the Catholic Church. Catholics are the largest Christian group in America and we, and only we should determine which version should be displayed.”

Bay Area’s Senator Money Mayes Middleton has offered a compromise bill with the following commandments:

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME EXCEPT FOR DONALD TRUMP

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN, GODDAMNIT

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY UNLESS YOU ARE WATCHING NFL.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. MOTHERF***ER.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL UNLESS YOU HAVE A LEGALY PURCHASED AR15

6. THOU SHALT NOT PORK A PORN STAR

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. LOL

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE UNLESS YOU ARE WHACKING OFF.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS UNLESS YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN.

Welcome to Satire Sunday, sort of. From the Texas Tribune:

Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday.

Senate Bill 1515 by Sen. Phil King, R-Weatherford, now heads to the House for consideration.

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Texas bill to fortify schools with walls and barbed wire.

April 16, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

HB1776 filed by State Representative Dennis Paul would fortify every school in Texas to prevent another mass shooting. According to Paul “I support the second amendment and will do whatever it takes to protect the right to own assault weapons, armor piercing bullets, and silencers.”

HB1776 will allocate funds and raise taxes to fortify all schools with a brick wall topped with barbed wire. In recent shootings it is clear a door can easily be shot out to gain entry into the school. School playgrounds are wide open, some with a simple metal fence that a shooter can shoot through. Band practice venues, tennis courts, baseball fields are all wide open to someone with an assault weapon. A wall around every school would effectively stop a law abiding citizen with an assault weapon.

In 2022, Texas had 5,156,972 students enrolled in a total of 8,161 schools in 1,022 school districts. A wall for each school would cost about $1 Million with a total of over $8 Billion. The State would use half of their rainy day fund and the balance would be passed on to the parents of children attending school. “It’s a small price to pay to protect our rights to own assault weapons.” said Paul. Christian schools do not need the protection of a wall since they have the power of the Lord to protect them.

Next session the State will allocate funding to fortify school busses, parade routes, concert venues, shopping malls, and the work place. Churches will not need protection because they too are protected by the Lord. “We must do whatever it takes, whatever it costs, to protect the most loved possessions of our families, our guns.” said Paul. “oh…and our kids too.” he added.

Welcome to Satire Sunday.

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Posted by johncoby

Texas bill would allow high school seniors carry guns

March 12, 2023
Photo: Istvan Csak/Shutterstock

You have to get up pretty damn early in the morning to make shit up like this.

Texas is well known for being the epicenter for stupidity when it comes to laws governing the state. After law enforcement testified against open carry, Texas Republicans passed open carry. After the Santa Fe High School shooting killing 10 they passed Permitless Carry allowing anyone to openly carry a gun without fear of being questioned or challenged. Law Enforcement across the state was against that bill also. So now after the Uvalde shooting that killed 19 children and 2 teachers, Texas Republicans need to pass some kind of gun nut bill. They have one.

House Bill 666 (seriously) filed by State Representative Ima D. Opé would allow 18 year old seniors to carry guns in school. According to Opé” “Allowing law abiding citizens to carry in high schools would provide immediate protection against another law abiding 18 year old who legally bought an assault weapon, armor piercing bullets, and body armor from attacking our defenseless students.”

State Representative Dennis Paul (R-Houston) had this to say “Well considering we did absolutely nothing after 19 10 year olds had their heads blow off while attending grade school, I am glad we are at least considering doing something to sell more guns. I will offer my thoughts and prayers for the passage of this bill.”

Welcome to Texas folks. And welcome to Satire Sunday. (or is it?)

State Representative Dennis Paul at a polling location

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Texas Republican bill will limit tax breaks for the divorced. (Praise the lord?)

March 3, 2023

No place but Texas. Literally.

Republican State Representative Tony Tinderholt, pictured here as he looks at a new intern, is not happy about House Bill  HB No. 2889, introduced by Republican representative Bryan Slaton. HB2889 will give huge tax breaks to those who are married and with lots of kids.

Unfortunately the bill excludes same sex marriages as well as those who are divorced. This has pissed off Tinderholt because he has been married FIVE times, twice to the same woman. He has clearly violated the “Sanctity of Marriage and One Man One Woman”. He has 3 kids from 2 of his wives. According to Reform Austin Tinderholt has voted against protecting women’s health and safety of children. He had a restraining order placed on him after his first marriage which included:

  • “Threatening Petitioner in person, by telephone, or in writing to take unlawful action against any person.”
  • “Causing bodily injury to Petitioner or to a child of either party.”
  • “Destroying, removing, concealing, encumbering, transferring, or otherwise harming or reducing the value of the property of one or both of the parties.”

Slaton’s bill will deny Tinderholt the right to benefit from the tax cuts for straight, white, christian, praise the lord, couples. Tinderholt responded:

“I intend to fight this bill and will beat off my opponents with both hands!.” (Actually he didn’t say this but it is funny!) It is clear the from bills filed the republican purity police is out in force.

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Posted by johncoby

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